Don’t let silence or quarrels consume feelings in marriage

The root cause of many conflicts in marriage is not a matter of principle, but “ineffective communication” – either quarrels and accusations against each other, or cold war silence and refusal to communicate. Ineffective communication will make misunderstandings deepen and slowly consume each other’s feelings. The key to cracking ineffective communication is to “learn to listen, empathize, and express rationally”.

The first is to “stop blaming and express feelings in the ‘I’ sentence pattern”. When many couples communicate, they are accustomed to using accusatory language such as “you always” and “you never”, such as “you always don’t care about the children” and “you never care about my feelings”, which will make the other party immediately stand on guard and cause quarrels. You might as well change to the “I” sentence to share your feelings and needs: “The child has a temper tantrum today, it is a bit difficult for me to take care of it alone, I hope you can help more”, “I have been waiting for you to eat for a long time today, I am a little disappointed, I hope you can tell me in advance when you come home late”. The “I” sentence pattern focuses on one’s own feelings and does not blame the other person, which can make the other person more willing to listen and reduce the sense of opposition.

The second is to “learn to listen and not rush to refute”. At the heart of communication is “two-way communication” rather than “one-sided persuasion”. Many people only think about how to refute when the other person speaks, and do not listen to the other person’s true thoughts at all. For example, if the wife complains that “work is too tiring”, the husband immediately retorts “who is not tired from work”, such communication will only make the wife more aggrieved. The correct way is to listen attentively, do not interrupt, do not justify, and wait for the other party to finish speaking, respond to your understanding: “I heard that you have been wronged in the company today, it is indeed not easy.” When listening, make eye contact and nod gently to make the other person feel that you are paying attention to him, so that you can truly understand each other’s needs and resolve misunderstandings.

Finally, “during the Cold War, take the initiative to ‘break the ice’ without delay”. The Cold War is the “invisible killer” of marriage, and long-term silence will gradually fade feelings. If you fall into a cold war, don’t worry about “who bows your head first”, taking the initiative to break the ice is not a compromise, but a manifestation of cherishing feelings. You can break the silence in a gentle way: like making a cup of hot tea for the other person, cooking a dish he loves, or saying “I know you’re still angry, but I don’t want to go on like this, let’s have a good chat.” After breaking the ice, both parties calm down and rationally communicate the core of the conflict to avoid falling into the cycle of ineffective communication again. Remember, the purpose of communication is to “solve problems,” not “win or lose.”